A Strange Feeling Called Hate
by twent47blue
Summary: Life is not always a bowl of cherries. Life is not always nice or can be seen through rose-colored lenses. This is a look at reality, in a big picture, and black and white.
1. Life In A Suitcase

"Thwack!"

"Thwack!"

"Thwack!"

" Thud!"

" Slap!"

"Why don't you make a sound, boy? Are you crazy or something?" he asked heaving heavily as the paddle came in contact with the younger man's face.

The young man just stood there, tears falling silently down his face. The pain is like second nature now, so its nothing new. He had been used to getting beat up and abused that he had been an expert in tuning it out. Someone taught him that when he was younger or he taught himself that ever since he always ends up in this kind of situation. When the old man got tired of beating him he would huff out of the room and drive out, leaving him on the floor and when he comes back, he would behave like nothing happened or sometimes, he would walk out of the room, do something and come back like nothing happened.

This has been an everyday occurrence for Ryu, he got used to this like he got used to his name. Sometimes he wondered why he always ends up this way. Is God punishing him? Is he that bad to deserve to be treated this way?

"I never lied to you, I never cheated on you. I devoted myself to you. Why do you treat me like thrash? You know you got power over me that all you need to do is say it and I'll do anything you want even if I don't want it." Ryu cried to him the first time. But all of those words fell on deaf ears.

"Get out! Get out of my house! I am tired of your excuses; I am tired of your prissy attitude! Just get out!" The old guy screamed at the top of his lungs and then armed with a paddle started hurling blows on the younger man, his face, his arm, his leg, his body.

"You shouldn't move your arm until its all healed. You shouldn't be forcing yourself too much or else it would swell up and hurt again." The doctor said, he did not ask questions when Ryu said he did not want to take his sweats off because it hurts too much. But the boy just did not want the doctor to see the new bruises, or he would end up in the street again.

Ryu remembered how it all began when he met this nice old American guy, well, he is not purely American like he often brag himself to be, he is a mix descent, an Irish-Norwegian with a mean temper, a bigot, stubborn bastard Ryu had ever met in his entire life. And he being Asian is another issue for a bastard who calls himself Juddah, but to Ryu it is another name for devil. Ryu had never cared if he is Jewish, German or whatever, it has never been a problem with him, and he gets along with everyone. And he never judge a person by the color of their skin or the sign they were born under with or whose ancestors they belong with. It is not what the color of your skin or the race you belong to but what you are, your nature, your ways.

And Ryu understood well now why Juddah's family abandoned him, both his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend cheated on him with the same man, his ex-wife left him wheel chair-bound not caring if he has a heart attack, or if he slips and hurt himself being abandoned alone with a bad back and a cast. When Juddah tries to pick up someone he always end up being rejected or just used, as to why, he would flash his riches to anyone who would care to listen or be forced to listen, he has no respect for anyone, and often blows up and has no patience with waiters, clerks, janitors or whoever. And to think he often tells Ryu that he grew up poor so he knows what its like to be poor so he never understood why a person with such a background would be such a bigot. All these things run through his head, each and everyone of them left this man who says he was the nicest person who had done everything in his power to understand the people he loves. Juddah has no friends, not even one, he has no family, and it was only when they started living together that Ryu discovered that he did have a family. Because during Christmas, holidays and birthdays, he never gets any cards, calls or gifts. Not unless he sends them first and the receiving party sends an obligatory gift back. But it was Ryu who changed Juddah completely. He started trying to be nicer to the cleaning ladies, or the guard at the gate of the community. Ryu true to his nature loves family, his parents honed him in a family-oriented, old-fashioned Asian way, he respects his elders, he doesn't talks back, and this is probably one of the reasons why people would want to take him home and adopt him. He is a beautiful person, inside and out.

Ryu was living with someone that time. That person too, has issues of his own. Towa has a mean temper, too, and an incredibly quick mood swings. Towa even locked Ryu in the storage shed because Ryu said he was leaving him. Thinking about it now, he thinks he is better off with Towa than this guy is. Towa is younger than Ryu, but despite his violent temper and quick hot flashes, he never, ever hit or hurt Ryu. Towa would blow up like a volcano but he would switch his blow out on stuff, throws stuff every where, wreck the entire house, kick the dog but, he never ever touch a single strand of hair on Ryu's head.

Ryu met Juddah at the community library, they would end up in the same section together almost always the same time. Juddah struck the conversation first, and Ryu afraid of Towa's wrath tried to be evasive but eventually, trusting the old guy like he would his own grandfather, he opened up, and how he end up living with Towa.

Ryu is a journalist, out on field assignments, and someone teased him about finding the right girl. But no one really know he is bi and would prefer another male than female. Out of sheer boredom, he put an ad in the personal section. And Towa was the one who answered it. They began talking every night online, on webcams, and in short, Towa convince him to move out in California and live together. Ryu thought he was dreaming that he got so lucky to find a very nice guy he can actually be compatible with. So from Michigan, he moved to sunny California, packing his life in a suitcase. Off he went.

Towa is okay when he is in a good mood, he even treats Ryu like a prince despite his grumpy side or moody side. He cares what happens to him or when he feels something. Even without money, he convinced and threatened a sales clerk to give a second line on his phone service so he can give it to Ryu who was out of job at that moment so he can text message or have his family call him when misses them. Ryu almost cried when Towa roughly grabbed him in a clumsy embrace while walking out of the store and handed him a phone.

"Here, quit your crying and call your son on the phone when you miss him at night. But only at night, its free at night but don't take too long because you are still sharing my minutes." Towa said, a bit embarrassed. Ryu understood now why Towa was insistent that he is entitled now for an upgrade and switched to a family share plan so he can give Ryu the second line. Yes, Towa is better than this guy. A little rough and tough, but he knows despite of how scary he is sometimes, he knows that Towa loves him. How he complains when Ryu skips eating or not wanting to waste food, sometimes Towa would go out of his way to get what he thinks Ryu likes.

He got up on the floor with a loud groan, as the sprained shoulder started to hurt again. Juddah was a great actor, he convinced the gullible Ryu to leave Towa. He promised Ryu he would give him a job, a place to stay for free and would help him with the money to send for his son over. Having Jake with him convinced him to leave. He borrowed money from Juddah to give Towa for rent since they just moved in to their new apartment, he talked to him and tried to explain that its job related that it would only be awhile, he wants to come back but Towa was so furious that he said that if Ryu is leaving don't ever come back. But he was so scared of losing him, he locked the helpless Ryu in the storage shed when he was fishing for his suitcase. In the end, they end up arguing, Ryu didn't want to leave with Towa hating him but there's no changing his mind so he end up leaving with a heavy heart.

It was only on the third night when Juddah seduced the helpless Ryu. Ryu out of gratitude and overwhelmed by his good fortune, showered the older man all the love his little heart could muster. Ryu thought he could learn to love him, that he could teach himself to love Juddah since he was so nice and helping him with everything.

But in the end, he didn't know that everything has a price. For someone like Juddah, everything has a price even Ryu himself. Money talks and booty walks. That's what he always say, every piece of meat has a price. With everything he gave to Ryu, he asked everything back in bed. He would use the younger man until he couldn't walk.

Ryu didn't know if its old age or its his nature that he is like that. Sometimes when Ryu complains he was too tired that he won't be able to satisfy him, Juddah would switch to his evil twin that lives inside of him, it only comes out when he thinks that the younger man was depriving him of what Ryu owes him after all, he thinks of the boy as his property, a thing, a prized possession but not as a person. Juddah would often mouth off words like I love you just because he wants to hear it in return. Ryu sometimes think he that Juddah is at the stage of his life that he is regressing to senility and yes, going back to his childhood. Because whenever Juddah behaves like that, he thinks of him like a child asking, needing, wanting and demanding attention. In his head, he would imagine a child Juddah going,

"Did I do good? Did I do good, what is my prize? What do I get?" Juddah often talks of his mother used to beating him up because he was always naughty. He said his good for nothing ex wife cheated on him with two different men and had the nerve to walk out on him while he was recuperating in a wheelchair. He said that his wife talks down on him and treats him badly. All the women in his life treats him badly. All the person in his family are against him, only his son really talks to him, probably because he was the only one whom he gives money to. Ryu even asked him one time why him? Why another man, why not a woman? Juddah said he would never trust another woman again. And he also said that Ryu is different, he is beautiful. But whenever he is angry he would shout mean and hurtful things to the boy, like he is a stupid Asian, that he knows nothing, that he is such a put upon. But Ryu never talks back. Despite of it all, even if Juddah go way below in insulting everyone in Ryu's entire family, he would swallow his pride after all, he needs Juddah to get his son. And another reason, and its because that, he is really an educated person and wouldn't stoop down to his level, getting so worked up because Ryu is not reacting is Ryu's silent satisfaction to get his little revenge somehow.

Everyday is a living hell for Ryu. But he lived through it. Sometimes he would locked himself in the bathroom, because that was only place in the house that has a lock, and he would call up his mom and cry. One time he hid himself in the closet because he knows he was ready to snap and talk back at the old guy, when Juddah discovered him, he almost beat the boy to death. His mom knows why he was doing this. She knows how responsible he is and would do anything to send for his son who is still in his home country. Money is a little tight, they are not that rich but they would get by. Ryu took it all so he can provide for his sisters and saved enough to put his son to college. Or if he didn't call to trouble her, he would just sit in the tub and cry until every pain in his heart and body disappear. Until he is completely numbed. Until he was strong enough to tune it out and get up and put up another plastic smile for Juddah. Lately Juddah had quicker mood swings, and very quick temper. Even during a normal conversation he would just flare up. Probably because of Ryu's bad shoulder they haven't been doing it for almost two months now, and even at seventy-three, even with a puny thing, he still thinks he is the stud, the man of the house and the perfect pitcher. But little does he know, (pun intended) he wasn't really satisfying his partner and he isn't really knowledgeable when it comes to going to bed with someone. Even Ryu who had experience with both male and female partners could tell that he was lying to his teeth when Juddah said that he knows what he was doing.

Ryu bled the first time, which shouldn't happen, because to Juddah, he thinks shoving your fingers in someone's hole should earn him a little lip service for doing you a favor of preparing you for big things to come, but rather, tiny things in big package, because Juddah is a big man and has a huge beer belly but only armed with a baby rocket while Ryu is small in frame and stature. But for an average male he is well-endowed. He didn't want to be the catcher in bed but, he indulged or rather he tolerated the torture in bed, because it only lasted five minutes tops anyway. To him, he can tolerate five minutes of hell just as long its another day closer that he would be with Jake, his son again.

During these moments, he would just imagine himself in another place, and in another person. What is happening in his body is not him, because he is somewhere else, he is somewhere with someone he loves, and someone who is gentle and not hurt him, physically and emotionally.

Ryu undressed slowly and went inside the shower and took a long hot shower, he took a couple of pain pills, and dressed nice. He practiced smiling in front of the mirror, and then laughing. It took awhile before both smile and laugh looked genuine, he turned off the light in his room and walked out to meet Juddah. "Hi, honey, welcome home."

There are certain things in life that is so hard to explain. That love is not always kind. It sometimes hurt, it sometimes lie. It's not always the truth, its not always right. We sometimes fall for the wrong someone. We sometimes hurt the ones we love. Love is sometimes a slap, lies, hurting words and goodbye. It dies, it makes mistakes. It is insecure. It jealous. It is proud. But most of all, and top of it all it is very much human.

The End


	2. The Darkness Inside Of Me

"Just come home, son, come home. I don't know why you have to put up with him, come home." His mother beg.

"Ma, am I a bad person. Have I ever been that bad? I never been whipped in my entire life, I never felt slapped before. Although I knew I haven't been a model son, I never been beat up by dad or slapped by you. I don't deserve this." Ryu cried on the phone, his voice broke.

A 40 year old man, crying to his mom on the phone. His mother cried with him, wanting to hold him.

"You are not a bad person, Ryu. You were never a problem when it comes to grades, drugs or anything else. Maybe we always fight because I still couldn't understand you liking another man, why you got married to please me but then divorced your wife because you fell in love with another man. Maybe its too hard for me to understand any of that, what you are going through. What you are feeling. But as your mother, I would accept you as you are, what you are. I may not understand you completely but I still love you." His mother said. And Ryu cried harder. Wanting to hold her right then and there.

"Your sisters adores you, looks up to you. Jake loves you blindly, your dad may not say much but you know he loves you as much as I do. Just come home if you can't take it anymore, or go to your sisters, they would take you in until we get the adoption processed, tell your lawyer that you moved." His mother suggested.

"Is not that he is beating me up on purpose, ma. It's probably because he knows I owe him, our family owes him for everything he has done for me, for my family, everything. He knows he's got me in his pocket, that whatever he says he knows I got no choice but to follow him. Because there's nothing I can do, the papers cannot be undone, his name was on it, his money is in my lawyer's pocket. I'm his property, ma. He can do what he please with me." Ryu said.

"You are not his slave, you are a journalist, you can find work anywhere else to your liking. Travel again, Ryu. You've always liked traveling. But I would rather have you come home, we can always find other ways for Jake to come see you again, it would be awhile but we can save enough money again and we could all come and see you and your sisters." Ryu's mom said.

Ryu cried harder. Jake. How long has it been since he last saw his son? Three years? How long has it been since he last held him in his arms? Even as a boy, Jake chose to be with him than his mother, he chose to be with his grandparents than live with his mom and her family. Reiko couldn't understand why Jake would choose Ryu over her, she was even bitter to say to his face not to contaminate their child with his homosexuality. But Ryu was willing to change his entire self if Reiko was worth it. Worth everything, his love, his devotion and yes, his masculinity.

Ryu has never classified himself as gay or bi or whatever names they call his kind. To him, he is Ryu. He doesn't act feminine or dressed in drags, its nothing to do with that, he says. But its more of what he feels. He used to date girls back in high school, pretty popular in college, but both sexes likes him. Because like he said, he is just being Ryu. Like being him put another gender in science. Although third sex is never been recognized as a gender. There's only male or female, no in between or unsure. But he also dated both, male and female. Whoever he likes to be with him. Its all simple to him, when he likes someone, gender is never an issue. He would walk the streets holding your hand, or his arm around you, he doesn't care what other people says. All he knows is he wants to be with this person, he loves this person with everything that he is, this person is the main purpose why he always caught himself gazing at this person, like there is a magnet pulling him and he cannot take his eyes off that person. Or the way his heart would race every time that person is within vicinity or sometimes, when he cannot breathe with so much emotions overflowing inside of him. This is how he defines it. What he is. Who he is. The world may be too cruel to judge what his intentions were or how he lives his life. But it never matter to Ryu. For Ryu, all he needs is that one person. Whatever other reasons there is, whatever consequences would make if he made his choice, to him, it all fails in comparison to the gravity of his emotions, his feelings, his love for this person he considers the one he loves.

Ryu doesn't love Juddah that way. They had already established the definition of their relationship, and Ryu had pointed out to Juddah that he couldn't love him the way he loves the younger man. But Ryu said he cares for him, like how he cares for a grandfather. But Juddah is in love with Ryu. They had gone through these situation a dozen of times and over, and no matter how many times Ryu begs him to let him go, Juddah would always finds a way to convince the younger man to stay again. And this time, Juddah had found a way to keep him, adopting Jake. In return, he has Ryu. In whatever ways he wants him. Ryu had thought about it for a long time, Juddah wasn't like this violent before, not so demanding. Before Ryu thought that he could really fall in love with Juddah.

The first month of their relationship was like that. Ryu was falling for Juddah then. The way like a father and son gets along and bonds, that's how they started. And Ryu was enjoying everything about him then, he almost forgot about Towa. Juddah was even so serious that he bought a house for Ryu, and when his parents came over for a visit, he bluntly told Ryu's mom how much he loves her son and would want to ask her if he could live with him. But like a scheming actor, whatever he tells one person, he tells something different to another.

To Ryu, Juddah bought the house because he got his alimony and wanted to live in his dream house and not some crummy rental that they used to be staying at. But when Ryu was out of the house, Juddah was telling his family a different story. That they were in love, that they were so serious that they decided to get their own real house. He even brags that he bought the house for Ryu, a car, too. But whenever he gets upset, the truth comes out. Its his house, his car. But just a week of family bonding, and Asian culture, Juddah revealed his true nature.

"I don't need a house, I don't need your money. I don't need jewelries, or flashy toys. I don't care about those. When you took me away from Towa you promised me things, and you helped me in some ways but you don't want me to work, you don't want to go out of the house if you're not with me." Ryu said when Juddah proposed.

"I'm very grateful to you, and I really appreciate everything you have done for me, and I do care for you. But I could never love you the way you want me, Juddah." Ryu said, reached out and hug him.

"I like you. A lot. But it couldn't go beyond that. We are so much different, we clashed in everything, we disagree on all things. I often wondered how we could still live together even though how different we are." Ryu said, looking at him.

"I will pay you back every last cent you lend me and spent on me, I would only take what I came with, you can give everything you gave me to someone else or sell them or whatever. But I don't think this is working out." Ryu said, about to pack his stuff and leave.

This was the month, six years ago. But on that same night that he was about to leave, one of Ryu's sister had an accident and had to undergo surgery and a transplant. Both his sisters works as front desk clerks, one has two kids, the other one three, both his brothers-in law are just part-timers as well and both families lives in apartment complexes. Ryu's dad is retired, Ryu's mom is just a housewife. The only breadwinner in the family is Ryu, the eldest sibling, the only son.

Ryu was devastated and out of his wits, none of their relatives all over the country has enough money to put up for the operation. It's all on Ryu.

Ryu was packing his bags and crying. And Juddah misunderstood.

"I'm not kicking you out Ryu, you can stay until you find another place on your own. I will even drive you there and help you settled in." Juddah said.

"No. Its not that. Juddah, one of my sister has been in an accident and in intensive care right now, she needs to go into surgery and have a transplant." Ryu said, his eyes red and puffy from all his crying.

Juddah wasn't thinking then. But he took charge, he grabbed Ryu's phone and contacted the other relatives and said he would take care of everything, find a donor and have the operation. And that sealed his fate, how Ryu signed his soul to the devil himself.

Ryu never knew how to hate someone. Most of the time, he always blames himself if something goes wrong in the relationship. He would go out of his way to try to talk it over with his partner. But when he started living with Juddah. He felt those feelings he never felt before, and he never realized what those dark feelings were. That they were hate. And Ryu never realized he would ever feel that way with someone. That those dark feelings would consume him to the point that he wanted to kill someone.

"I had enough of your family. Good riddance." Juddah commented the minute they walk back in the house after spending a few days with Ryu's family while his parents are there for a visit. His parents already went home. Juddah was pissed that he had to rent a motel room during the duration of their stay there. He said he is not sleeping in any stranger's bed. He is not eating any of that goo that Ryu calls food. But Juddah was only saying these things in front of Ryu, but when he was there spending time with the younger man's family, he was oh so nice and a complete gentleman. But the minute he turned his back, he said that he doesn't like Ryu's mom. And that is how hate began to dwell in Ryu's heart. He thought that he could tolerate Juddah's old man ways, his eccentricity, his senility and even his hostility. But one thing that Juddah never realized about Ryu, you could say all the nasty words about him, do everything to piss him off, but never insult another man's family. Especially Asians. They are very close-knit, and very family oriented. They would leave wives and husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends if one of them would say anything against their family, especially their parents. Although Ryu's family is typical, that Ryu is also a typical rebellious son before, no matter how him and his mom fight, argue over stuff. Ryu loves his mom more that anything in the world next to his son Jake.

Ryu often wondered what kind of person Juddah is. He never met anyone like him. He had dealt with foreigners almost half of his life, he has domineering bosses in the past, some are also opinionated but no one was worse that Juddah. There's no one in the world like Juddah. The first night he almost half rape Ryu, he wasn't even sorry that Ryu bled. He was even a little pissed that he is not Ryu's first. To him, Ryu has to use his body to pay everything he ever gave the younger man. Juddah said its natural for him to take everything he wanted, and when he wanted it. That he owes him so much and he has done so much for him. For him its natural to treat Ryu the way he is treating him now, because to him, that's the only way he is supposedly be treated and nothing more. Because he said, Ryu is another man after all. He is not delicate. So no matter how many times he use the younger one, it shouldn't be a big deal.

Ryu has learned to practice the art of tuning out whatever it is that is happening to him. He practice smiling and laughing in front of a mirror so that he could do it naturally in front of Juddah. Because all the respect, and high expectations he has of the old man vanished completely. Not even pity remains. All there is hate. And all he is concerned about is the minute he thinks that he had paid his debt with half of his life, he would move on. The minute Jake was over there, he would find ways to break his bond with Juddah. He would do everything not to let Jake suffer the same fate he is in now. Because he is sure, if that happens. He doesn't know if he can stop himself from killing someone.

There is a thin line between love and hate. A very thin line. Once you crossed it, there's no going back.


	3. A Bad Kind Of Love

Juddah knocked on the door a couple of times. He had been in there for more than an hour. And its pissing off the old man. Juddah got irritated waiting in his bedroom for the last ten minutes and no naked Ryu showed up. He decided to check what happened to the boy. The bed was empty, the door to the bathroom was locked. He tried to call out to the boy but no answer, he decided to wait a little longer.

"Did you fall asleep in there, sweetie?" he asked, trying to sound not too angry. He knocked again, "Ryu!" he called louder, a little angry now, banging on the door.

When no one replied, he started opening closet doors. "If this is one of your tricks, you're going to get it, boy." He said, banging the doors until it almost fell of its hinges.

The boy was acting strange when they finished lunch that afternoon. Ryu got up and gave him a hug. "I'll see you at seven." He said.

Juddah grabbed his phone and called Ryu's number. It started ringing and he almost jumped when it blared right next to him on the bed. It was on the headboard, next to two envelopes, one labeled with mom and the other one with his name on it. He tore it open angrily, thinking that the boy ran away. Ryu didn't.

Juddah dropped the letter as he turned white. He ran next door to the neighbors and ask for help. The man next door grabbed a sledge hammer from his garage and they ran back in the house. The wife called 911. The two men destroyed the locked bathroom door. On the floor, lay the forgotten letter. It was a farewell note. No, he didn't ran away. But he did leave somewhere. And this time, Juddah cannot find him or take him back anymore. Even with all the money in the world.

When the door broke down, sirens cried outside that pierced through the cold desert night air. The woman next door frantically pointed to the house next door, which she said the son of the old man had an accident. Ryu. The son. That was what the neighbors presumed their relationship.

The neighbor stumbled in first. Saw red on the pristine floor. The boy was in the tub. His head was tilted back, his eyes was closed, as if he just fell asleep soaking in the tub. The old man crowded the door but the man got to Ryu first and felt for a pulse. He grabbed a towel and tried to stop the bleeding from the lacerated arm.

"He's still alive! Hurry!" he called out, hearing feet running towards them from outside, the paramedics are here.

The letter that Juddah discarded was indeed a letter of goodbye. Ryu said he was tired. Very tired. And he cannot go on this way anymore. He said he knew that Juddah is not going to let him go. He knew if he came back to his family, the old man will hound him and drag him back, or find a way for him to go back. So, Ryu found a way to severe their ties permanently. He took a razor and lacerated his wrist. The other letter for his mom was his last will, with instructions to get the key from the letter he sent to his sister, to the safe deposit box with his original last will, stocks and bonds, money he had saved up. For Jake.

Juddah almost had a heart attack when he read the boy's suicide note. Juddah doesn't have any intention of informing his next of kin, he didn't want them to know what happened. He will think of something to get out of this situation. But Ryu knew Juddah was going to do that. Ryu called his sister the night before, and left a cryptic message that he might not be able to reach them in time. But in case something happens, get the envelope for their mother that he is leaving with Juddah. Ryu was even specific on the markings on the envelope to sure that Juddah didn't open it, tamper with it or change it. The original copies were sent to his sisters, but the photocopy was in the envelop that was left on the bed. He just want Juddah to redeem himself now that he is dead.

Juddah was surprised when Ryu's family started calling and inquiring about Ryu. Ryu's alive. Barely. He lost a lot of amount of blood. He is still in ICU, he flat-lined for a few seconds, and they were able to revive him again.

The cut on Ryu's arm was brutal, he cut it several times to be sure its going to be fatal. If they would have found him a minute later, Ryu would have succeeded. He had presumed that Juddah would give up and thought he forgot, or he fell asleep like he sometimes do. Normally, Juddah would assume that, after knocking and no reply, and when he sees that the lights were off, he would give up. He wouldn't like it but he won't wake up the young man. Ryu expected that. He thought Juddah would just find him tomorrow morning. But this is one of those rare occasion that the bastard was so horny he couldn't wait. Everyone who knew about their relationship wouldn't blame Ryu for resulting to this violent measure and end. Especially Ryu's family. They knew what kind of man Juddah is, no matter how hard the old hides his true nature, it shows when he gets impatient and blurts out nasty comments one time or two without thinking.

Juddah went inside Ryu's room, he was angry. He wasn't even crying when he saw the young man lying on the bed. He was thinking of the humiliation, the questions his neighbors asked, and yes, the assumption of other people what their relationship is. If no one was watching he wanted to strangle the boy and end it, it would be easy to turn off his oxygen so he would just stop breathing. And no one would know. He waited for a couple of minutes when no one walked in, he crouched down on the side of the bed and was about to pull the plug.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, unless you want to kill him." A voice sounded from behind him. When Juddah stood back up, taking it slow and stretching, trying to pretend he was crouching for something else and not about to do a heinous act. His gaze met black pants and white coat. A doctor. A young doctor.

The young doctor adjusted his glasses, "Visiting hours are over, sir. The patient needs his rest." He said, and opened the door, and there's nothing Juddah can do but leave.

Yusuke took the chart from the bed post. This is not his usual route but he was suspicious to see a light in the ICU, and he was relieved to know he stopped something from happening. He put it back the chart on its rack and looked at the patient breathing through the oxygen mask. Attempted suicide. There were restraints on his arms, although he would be too weak to do anything, precautionary measures were taken through the request of the family. The young doctor reached for the receiver on the wall, and requested a guard to be posted by the door and visitors to sign in and for him to be informed if anyone would visit the patient in room 247. He wondered what was the relationship between Juddah Mc Cloud and the patient. The old man who was footing the bill. They are not related in any way. And why was the old man looked so angry instead of relieved that the boy lived. He didn't explain himself what he was doing or what he was about to do. He just pretended to pick up something on the floor and straightened up, he tried to intimidate the head doctor with a glare, he was angry at Yusuke, there were no questions about the patience conditions or if he's going to be okay. Instead he even looked pissed that he was interrupted.

In the following days, and weeks, its mostly family who came to visit. His sisters. They would talked to the prone figure on the bed, tell him stories, sometimes kids, probably their kids, will be with them and the kids would talk to the sleeping form on the bed.

The old man only came twice after that, and would be leaving hurriedly when Dr. Yusuke Nonahara would come in the room. Sometimes Dr. Nonahara would watch from the distance to see what the old man would do but since there was a guard posted by the door, he didn't try anything again. The family didn't even question the guard, they even looked relieved that there was a guard posted there. One of the sisters thanked him for taking care of their brother.

"You are very welcome, miss. But I'm not his attending doctor. But I do believe Dr. Lai said he is recovering nicely and responding to the treatment very well." Dr. Nonahara replied smiling.

Rheina smiled back, "I'm sure my brother is just troubled but, being what he is, he always take the weight of the world on his shoulders. I'm very happy that your staff was able to rescue him." She said, teary-eyed, glancing at the still comatose Ryu on the bed.

Dr. Nonahara patted her shoulder gently, "We are here to save lives, your brother still has a purpose. I'm sure he would come to his senses once he sees that people around him loves him. Just be there and support him, he would think twice before doing this again." He said.

Rheina nodded, and walked to the bed when her children started calling her back to talk to Uncle Ryu.

When Ryu opened his eyes for the first time. It was a glorious morning. He didn't know where he was. Everything was white. Birds are chirping by the window. It was a nice day. Is this heaven? He thought. Or somewhere in between? Is he dead? He wanted to touch his head, then he felt pain, as the restraints rubbed against the bandage still on his arm. He moaned a little. He could hear a sound. Like someone flipping a page of the book. He glanced around, and saw a man in white sitting on a chair reading a book. He tried to call out but no words came out.

Is he an angel? He is so beautiful. He watched the way the doctor flipped his hair away from his eyes. When the doctor turned, removed his glasses and rubbed his eye, he saw a pair of light brown ones looking at him. He smiled. Put the book and glasses away and walked to him.

"Hi. Welcome back, Ryu kun." A melodious voice greeted him, he was watching the man's lips, how those sensuous lips formed words. He was mesmerized. The sound of the man's voice, thundered in his chest and swells at his heart. "You must be thirsty." He said, and poured a glass of water and put a straw and place it on his mouth carefully. Ryu drank gratefully.

The good doctor informed him he was in a hospital. That its been two months since he was brought there. He tried to talk again, but nothing came out but air.

"Don't force yourself, give yourself time. Your body had been in hibernation for two months. You can ask all your questions later when you can talk again. Don't be afraid, you had been in a terrible accident so all your motor skills would be a little rusty for now." The doctor explained.

Then the doctor chuckled, and Ryu felt his heart flipped hearing that wonderful laughter. He was surprised he wasn't dead, and wasn't in heaven. Because he could have sworn this man in all white is an angel.

"I forgot to introduce myself, "Dr. Nonahara, Yusuke Nonahara. I'm not your doctor but I'm the head doctor in this ward. I have met your wonderful family who visits you everyday, your cute nephews and nieces are sure going to be thrilled now that you are awake." He said. Ryu was watching his lips again, listening to his words.

Ryu forgot about the restraints and was about to scratch his forehead again. He let out a moan. "Oh." Yusuke looked down, a bit hesitant. "Those are precautionary measures, we don't want you hurting yourself while you were asleep. I think we can take it off now, right?" and tilt his head in question to Ryu. Ryu nodded understanding what he meant. Yusuke smiled. And Ryu's heart did another summersault. His smile is as wonderful as the rest of him, Ryu thought to himself.

Just then, Juddah walked in, "Ryu!" he called excitedly, forgetting his anger when he saw that his lover was awake. Dr. Nonahara was still undoing the restraints, and Ryu gripped his hand unconsciously, Yusuke saw the frightened looked in Ryu's eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Mc Cloud, I have to ask you to leave, I'm still doing some examination on Ryu kun since he just woke up." Dr. Nonahara said, gently with a business smile.

Juddah protested, "Please, Mr. Cloud, you can come see him later." Yusuke insisted, grudgingly, he left.

Ryu loosened the grip on the hand in his grasp. Dr. Nonahara patted it gently, "You don't like him, do you, Ryu kun?" he said, looking at the patient. Ryu didn't reply but Yusuke could sense the relief on Ryu's face when he asked Juddah to leave. "Don't worry, as long as I'm the head physician on this ward, I would always check up on you to see that nothing ever happens to you again." He said, gently. And for the first time in years, Ryu smiled. In his second life, he found an avenging angel who would rescue him from the devil's grasp.


	4. One Winged Angel

Have you ever fallen in love with someone you just met? The minute your eyes meet, the world changes and everything about that person is the most wonderful thing you have ever known. His eyes. His lips. His face. How smooth and gentle his hands are when they touch you. How his voice are like melodies that sings praises to your ears. You feel yourself in cloud nine every time he is near. Ryu fell in love with the doctor ever since he first saw him. He forgot everything he was planning; the very topmost was ending his life. He had found new reason to live. To live for love. Although he is, still uncertain if that love will be reciprocated or what would happen now that his plans to kill himself failed. Is he going to back to Juddah? Is he going to be forced to live back to the hell he tried to get away from? But he did not want to think about that now. He did not want to concern himself with Juddah. All he knows is he is happy, for the first time in his life. He is truly happy. And he had decided it does not matter if the doctor does not return his love. If the doctor is married or is not interested. He will still carry his torch for him, in his heart, he would let the love bloom, it may be unspoken, but it would be his new will to live. For the first time in his life, Ryu is finally thinking about himself, he had finally learned to love himself and put himself first before others. Even his sisters did not discuss anything more about what happened, all they are is happy, that he is back, that he is still here. They said, if he decides that he needs a break from Juddah, he is welcomed to stay with them, they would love to him, as long as he wants. And no matter what is needed to be done, everyone in the family will do everything in their power to help. Ryu cried at that. That is why he loves them so much. This is one of the reasons why he loves them, his little angels, and his sisters that he is so fiercely so protective and jealous over.

"So this is him?" a boy barely out of his teens asked, walking around Ryu, the man fidget at his gaze.

"You're making him uneasy, Sai. Stop staring." Yusuke said, with a sigh.

"He's good looking, what's his name?" Sai asked as if Ryu is not there right in front of him.

"Don't be rude. Ryu kun, this little brat is Sai, and Sai, be nice, this is Ryu." He made the introductions.

Yusuke brought Ryu to some sort of halfway house, after an argument with Juddah who of course insisted that he brings his boy home.

"Mr. Mc Cloud, Ryu kun is 40-years old and I think he is old enough to make his own decisions." Yusuke reasoned with him.

"He's been living with me for 6 years; where else will he go but home with me!" Juddah insisted, furious that Dr. Nonahara would not sign the release papers.

"He still needs to go under therapy. He is on suicide watch, and that sir, is under my department, all victims live in a shelter under surveillance. They would be observed until it was ruled out they are safe to go home." Dr. Nonahara said, filling out the forms while the nurse waited.

"He is not going to do it again, I assure, I will guard him twenty-four hours a day." Juddah insisted.

Yusuke saw Ryu involuntarily shuddered at that. He let out a sigh and stood up, handed the nurse the forms he just signed.

"Mr. Mc Cloud, you are not the victim." He said, and walked over to Ryu and raised the mangled arm still in bandage, "Look at this, it's been a month, but it still not fully healed. He flat-lined, he died on the operating table; it was sheer miracle he survived. The reason why he did what he did, that's what I'm going to find out and you better pray it's got nothing to do with you, sir." He said, patting Ryu's head. Juddah did not say anything but he was a little pale when Yusuke the last part.

Ryu liked a cat, almost purred at the touch. "He would be under my care for as long as I think it's needed. His family approved it, you might be forgetting, Mr. Mc Cloud, you are not family."

That stopped the older man. He stared at Ryu, seething with anger. Ryu avoided his gaze, shaking with fear and hid behind the doctor's back.

The Save An Angel Home is a pet project of the head doctor, Dr. Nonahara, here victims of violence are housed, there are also women and girls, and kids living there, it's just minutes away from the hospital and Ryu found out later, that its just at the back of the doctor's private home.

Dr. Nonahara is kind, but he is kind to everyone, that is what Ryu realized. He has compassion in what he does and dedicated himself to his work. So, he has to accept that Dr. Nonahara's kindness is not just for him but also for the other 300 patients living in the facility. Ryu might be on first name basis with the doctor but he still just one of the many who admired the good man.

Sai, the brat, is surprisingly is in his early twenties and is now a permanent resident of the facility, he had tried to kill himself a number of times so his family decided to leave him there. Permanently.

Ryu also met Momo, a disturbed girl who aborted her baby on her own and flush the baby down the toilet. Ryu found out that her father raped Momo and the baby was his. He beat her up pretty bad that she almost bled to death and had to manually pull out the dead baby herself or she would die.

Ryu considered himself lucky, despite the fact he is somehow like them, in a way. Running away from life because life is too much to handle. He thought he had it worse but meeting Momo and Sai and the kids who was abused by their parents themselves, wives beat up by their husbands, he felt ashamed now for being so weak. A grown man in his forties. He had considered himself a whore for Juddah, but knowing the other patients and what they had been through. His experience had been nothing compared to what they had been through.

He wondered about Sai. If he is just a spoiled brat who is continually looking for attention, why he continues to try finding ways to kill himself?

A knock on the door awakened him from his reverie. "You're still up, are you hungry? You missed dinner, would you consider having dinner with an old man?" Dr. Nonahara asked, with a smile. He found out that Dr. Nonahara is actually just a few years older than he is.

Ryu nodded. It has been a month but Ryu still could not speak, Dr. Nonahara had given him a notebook and a pen. The doctor assured him that his voice would come back when the time is right. Dr. Nonahara had devoted himself into keeping Ryu there after his sisters confided to him what the real relationship was between Mr. Mc Cloud and Ryu. But he did not tell his patient that. He had given Mr. Mc Cloud enough medical prognoses to pacify the old man, and a promise that Ryu would go home to him when the time is right.

They were half way through dinner, and Ryu was falling for the doctor more and more when Sai burst in the room angrily.

"What is he doing here? I thought you said you already had dinner that's why you ask me to eat with the others." He said, stabbing the doctor's chest with his finger angrily.

Yusuke was trying to calm him down, Ryu thought Sai was going to hurt the doctor and tried to grab for the boy's arm.

Sai pushed Ryu hurting the older man's arm. Ryu cried and curved into a ball. But that did not stop the boy he hurled himself on the doctor angrily.

"Sai, stop it!" Yusuke cried, "Ryu is hurt! Let me go!"

Everything was a blur. When Ryu woke up he was in his room, and Momo was crouching beside him, wiping his face with a damp towel.

"Are you okay now? Dr. Lai gave you painkillers. I'm sorry about Sai, he is like that when it comes to Dr. Nonahara, and he is obsessed with the doctor since it's the doctor who always saved him when his father rapes him." Momo said.

Ryu gasped in surprise. So that is why. Momo covered her mouth and blushed. "Oh, don't tell him I told you that. It's a secret." Momo whispered, Ryu nodded.

"Okay, I'm going back to my room now, are you sure you are going to be okay?" she asked, glancing back at Ryu. He nodded.

When Momo left. He sat up groggily. He wanted to see if the doctor is okay. He got up weakly and walk to the doctor's office, the door was ajar. He could hear whispers, he walked in quietly.

He saw Sai was lying down on the doctor's couch, and the doctor was crouched down beside him. Yusuke's back was to Ryu. Sai saw him and grinned evilly, he put his arms around the doctor's neck. Ryu gasped and was expecting the doctor to protest but he did not.

"I told you Sai I'm not going anywhere, you don't need to hold me." He said, resigned already from stopping the boy.

"Prove it to me, kiss me." Sai said, with a pout. Ryu paled, he did not expect this. The doctor leaned down and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Sai protested like a child having a tantrum. "You could do better than that, doctor." He said, and pulled the doctor's face to his, kissing him hard, the doctor tried to pull away but the boy pulled harder. Ryu could not take it anymore and ran away.

Dr. Nonahara pushed Sai away, stumbling back on his bum. "I told you never to do that, Sai. I told you I won't tolerate that." He said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Sai sat up and pulled him closer, "You want me to kill myself, doctor? Is that it? My father got me an apartment outside of town without telling my mother. He was so desperate to keep me. If he got me out of here, I am really going to kill myself. You want that, Yusuke?"

Dr. Nonahara pulled his hands away from his collar. "That is Dr. Nonahara to you, Sai kun. And your father already lost his rights to take you away from here." Standing up, fixing his coat and shirt.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, he asked my sleazy uncle to sign the papers. You know that my uncle is banging my mom, right? My good father cut a deal with my uncle, he would ask my mom to sign the papers releasing me to him, and my uncle can keep my mom. What a loving family I have, Dr. Nonahara." He said, with a smile, standing up, pushed pass the doctor who stood there stunned by the news. He slammed the door and walked out.

Dr. Nonahara crumpled on the floor. He wanted to do so much for his patients, but sometimes he thinks there is no God. How could another man want his son that way? Rapes and then beats him up. He wanted to help Sai, and he thought he was improving. He really was. But the boy grew clingy, defensive and possessive. He does not want another male patient touching him, whether a kid or sometimes another male doctor. He would have these violent episodes, which only Dr. Nonahara can put a stop to, only Yusuke can pacify Sai. And Sai could only trust Momo to be near the doctor and no one else. Especially not Ryu.

Ryu went back to his room hurriedly. He did not want anyone to see him. Although he knew that Sai put up that show for him to prove something, which the doctor is his and no one else can have him. He was already crying when he got back to his room. Crawled back into bed. He was hurting so much. He does not know why. He does not know the doctor that well, he does not even know if the doctor feels the same way, probably not. But he feels an ache inside his chest. It was even painful than his mangled arm. He fell asleep crying.

Dr. Nonahara peek in his room, walk up to his bed. He touched Ryu's head fondly. Pulling the blanket around the man. Ryu stirred, when he saw the doctor, the doctor smiled. Ryu pulled away from him.

"Ryu, it's me. It's Yusuke." He said, trying to calm him down, thinking that Ryu mistaken him for Juddah. But Ryu still backed away. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?" He asked, reaching out for him. Ryu cringed from his touch.

Yusuke stood upright, "Alright, I won't touch you." He said, hurt in his voice. "I just want to see if you're okay." He said.

Ryu did not move, he be backed up on the wall of his bed, shaking. Yusuke had seen this, seen this fear before, he had seen Ryu shook that way when Juddah tried to touch him. So, Ryu feared him now too. He confirmed. Because of Sai.

"Okay, sleep well." He said, and walks to the door and turned off the light and closes the door behind him. Ryu cried in the dark.

There are certain things that you cannot explain about life. Why things happen and why things are that way. Yusuke had dedicated himself into helping others. This is his dream, to be a doctor and heal the unseen wounds of the others. He is a good man. But he does not know that there are some wounds that he cannot heal, that some wounds would leave a permanent scar that is more painful and lasting.


	5. A Strange Feeling Called Love

Who would have thought that loving someone could be this hard? People often perceived love like learning to ride a bicycle. Everything seems to look so easy, just a couple of cuts and bruises now and then, a little bump here or there, other than that once you mastered it, the feeling is glorious. Actually, it is also the hardest thing to learn. Some experiences are much harder to some people than to others. Others do it like a pro, a natural. Breezing through it as if they have known it since birth. Others almost split their head open as they crash and collided with the asphalt. For Ryu it is the latter. It was so hard like a maelstrom, heavy and thick, that you have to stand still so will see the eye of the storm. So when he fallen, as if he had fallen on his first bike, it was the worse experience he had ever had. And like also, a person who does not know how to swim and just got out of the water after almost drowning to death. He walked away. Never looking back. Not wanting to look back. Because his heart is at its fragile state right now. One more hurt, and like glass, it would break.

Ryu avoided the doctor like plague. He would jump a mile whenever he feel that the doctor is about to touch him or they would accidentally touch, like pricking someone with a needle, he would violently jerk away.

Yusuke would avoid him too, as much as he could. Not because he does not want to see him but because it hurts him to see Ryu's reaction whenever he is near. He changed the schedule and therapy entirely, handing everything he has with Ryu to Dr. Lai. It would be easier for the both of them. The only person who is so gloriously happy about the whole thing is Sai.

Dr. Nonahara could not actually blame the boy. He knew how traumatic the boy's life had been. And he understood him completely. He knew it is partly his fault for turning him that way. He had spoiled him too much that now the boy is beyond reason, because he got used to it. It is the only way he knows.

Who would have thought he would care for someone else? In all his life, all he cared about is his work and his patients. He had never known any other life than this world. He had never known any other people than Momo, Dr. Lai and Sai. Everything in his life is routine. Except for that day when a suicide victim died in the operating table, except for that day, that he is supposed to go home but force himself to make one more rounds in the other part of the ward just to check if everything is in order. And he stumbled upon Juddah who was about to pull a plug on a comatose patient. Except for that day, he spent his break reading a book and watching over a particular patient not his own. Except for that same morning, he met those eyes gazing at him with so much warmth. He felt a tug at his heart. He felt a different sensation he never felt before in his entire life. He was so unsure what those feelings were. But he was so drawn to that man, he wanted to touch him, be with him. Watch him smile at him, laugh. And eager to hear what his voice would be like when he did finally talk. Dr. Yusuke Nonahara, at 43-years old had fallen in love with his patient who cannot even talk. If someone would have slapped him and tell him what those feelings were, he would be flustered and unsure of himself. Because the object of his affection is avoiding him, and to him, he secretly thinks that Ryu hates him now.

Dr. Nonahara was going about his day when he was distracted by the excited commotion happening at the dorms. He walked to them to check it out. Someone is moving out in one of the rooms. To this place, it is a joyous event when someone is being picked up by their loved one, that finally there is a safe place for them outside the haven they not only call shelter but also home.

The charts clattered on the floor with a loud bang. He saw the old man. At first, he thought he was dreaming seeing Juddah there. But Ryu was right behind him with his bag. Ryu was going home. Why didn't he know? Oh, yes, he had handed Ryu's entire file to Dr. Lai. So Dr. Lai did not know about Mr. Mc Cloud. He ran. He has to stop them. Ryu would surely kill himself this time if he goes back to Juddah. But the odd thing was there was no resistance, Ryu was even holding Juddah's arm. He was already too late to back out when everyone was staring at him as he hold Ryu's arm.

"Ryu Kun, I need to talk to you for a minute, if you please, I need you to sign some papers before you go." He said, nervously, praying that Ryu would not make a scene and just go with him. He did.

"Mr. Mc Cloud, I would have him with you for just a minute." He said, as he turned to the group looking at him oddly. He led Ryu to an empty classroom. Still holding his arm, no resistance. Like he was a stranger. Just a doctor he does not know.

He let him go the minute they got in the room. "I-I'm sorry if I touched you. I know you do not want me touching you. I was just surprised to see you leaving with that man."

Ryu sat across from him, not saying anything or writing something on his pad.

"I can stop him from taking you if you don't want to go; I promise you will still be with Dr. Lai. Nothing in your new schedule would change." He said.

Ryu remained silent. Yusuke was losing his composure. He wanted him to squirm, get mad or cry, he wanted him to make a reaction. Not this silence.

"Answer me, damn it." He cried. Ryu looked at him calmly. Nothing.

He kicked the table where Ryu was sitting on, when Ryu almost lost his balance; he grabbed him in an embrace and kissed him. He was so lost in the kiss before he realized that Ryu was not reacting at all. He was just standing there, his eyes even wide open.

Finally, Ryu moved. He was expecting a slap. Anything. A reaction. But all Ryu did was pushed him away, not hard but just enough for him to let him go. He did write something. And left his notepad and pen that Yusuke gave him.

"Goodbye, Dr. Nonahara." That is all there is he wrote. Just those words. But Yusuke felt the world caved in on him.

Juddah watched him. Ryu was absently kept touching his lips with a faraway look on his face.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, "What do you wan to eat?" he asked. Ryu fumbled his pockets for his notepad and pen; he forgot he left it with Yusuke.

Juddah slowed the car a bit, "Oh, you forgot your paper and pen?" he asked when Ryu nodded; Juddah rummaged through the compartment and gave him an old pen and some paper napkin from his lunch that afternoon. "Okay, this would do." Handing it to him.

Ryu stared at it for a bit before he wrote down what he wanted.

Juddah just gave him a week before getting back to their old routine again. But this time Juddah was enjoying it more, because Ryu could not talk so he cannot complain. He hid all the pen and papers in the entire house, even the laptop and computers. He hid the keys to the car so Ryu could not go anywhere. If Ryu want something, all he can do is try to sign it or point at it. Ryu not only went back to a nightmare but this time its hell. He can only eat what Juddah wants him to eat and when he should eat it. He can only rest and sleep when Juddah tells him to. His situation was worse than before. Juddah had hidden all the sharp objects, removed all the locks in the rooms. Except for his bedroom where everything is. Ryu uses plastic utensils, and Juddah would cut everything up if its steak or something needed a knife for.

After awhile Ryu stopped eating. He would gobble everything up and when its time for him to use the bathroom, he would force himself to puke everything out, quietly as possible. He lost a lot of weight. He wanted to get out of there. This time he wanted to welcome death. He wanted to go back to the facility; he could stand Sai than this. He could tolerate Sai taunting him than this. Sai would often rub it on his face that the doctor is his, but once the two of them started avoiding each other, Sai ignored him completely. Like he does not know him.

He got sick, but Juddah thought he was faking it. So when he did pass out, Juddah found out he was burning up with fever. He tried to force him to take medicine but Ryu was too weak to even swallow the medicine, he would either take it in and later vomit it out. After three days of this, and when Ryu convulsed and his eyes rolled at the back of his head that Juddah rushed him to the hospital.

He was admitted again. That doctor was not there. And the sisters were there. And this time they confronted him. Handing him a big bag.

"These are all the money you gave Ryu, and all the money you helped our family with. We cannot return you all the other stuff you gave us or you gave Ryu but we would try to send you check as regularly as possible. Ryu is not happy with you, Juddah. We appreciate you loving our brother, but you are killing him softly." One of the sisters said, and they both reached out and hug him.

"We love you, like we do our father. But you can see that Ryu is no longer happy, Juddah. Please let him go. Let him find his happiness, we know all he wants is to see his son." They said.

Juddah was quiet, he was not angry. He handed them back the bag, "I'm not a bad person. Maybe my only fault loved your brother too much, too much that it is already in a bad way. Keep the money, it's a gift." He said, and smiled sadly.

"I'm just a lonely old man. I love your brother so much that I am so scared of losing him. Don't hate me for that." He continued.

They talked some more until they both came out with an agreement. Ryu would be going back to the facility until he decides himself where he wants to go. He can make his choice freely. And Juddah agreed to that plan.

One of the sisters asked around about the doctor, the head doctor of the facility. They found out that the doctor went abroad somewhere to study.

When Ryu woke up from his fevered sleep, he was surprised to wake up in his old room in the facility. Everything was there, and everyone was there. Even Sai welcomed him back a little gruffly but he knew that the boy was glad to see him somehow. Everyone. Except for the doctor.

"Oh, if you're looking for my boyfriend, he went to Singapore to do some research. He left that same day you left here. He hasn't been back or even called or writes since then." Sai said, Momo ribbed him on the side and they argued playfully on their way out of Ryu's room.

The old notepad and pen lay next to his headboard. His last note was still there. He traced the familiar notebook carefully, his tears rolling down his face, he tore off the front paper and he gasped when he saw a note underneath it.

Ryu Kun,

I do not know if this letter would ever reach you or if you would be able to read this. But, I want to write this down before I lose my courage.

The first time I met you. The first time I set my eyes on you. I fell in love. I never realized what those feelings meant. I never realized how important you are to me, not when I saw you cry, not when I felt you flinch at my touch. I was so hurt. I was so confuse not knowing how to express myself.

Sai is a disturbed kid. There is nothing going on between us, he is like a son to me. I do not feel the same way for him the way I feel for you.

You are special to me, Ryu. To me you are like life. Like water. Like air. Like light. You are also like a voice, like words on paper. You are everything to me that has meaning. Because you are my meaning. Like love, you are the meaning of that word to me. To me you are love. Not only the one have had I loved. But you are the very word itself. And without you. There is nothing. Empty. Blank. Darkness. Nothing.

I do not know if you would get to see this letter. It would probably get lost after a time. But I know fate as I know love now. It would find you. Like I found you. This note would find you. And I hope one of these days; we would find each other again. And we find love at the same place. Together. But for now, wherever I am, whatever I am doing. Whenever I look out at the sky, I will remember you, and think of you. That somewhere out there, at the same time and at the same space, we are looking at the same sky, and yes, hopefully, yes, wishing that we were together somehow.

I love you Ryu. That is given. Like I know my name. I would continue loving you. Even if the ink on this paper fade away, even if we never crossed paths again. Even if I had met my fork on the road and reached the end of my journey, as my last breathe, my last thought, the last name on my lips, would be you and yours. You and only you. I love you, Ryu.

Yours and only yours,

Yusuke

Author's Note: This chapter and the one before this is dedicated to my very good friend, K. I love you my friend, thank you for the inspiration, the strength and the support you have given me. You just don't know how much I had needed them, and you gave them with all your heart. Thank you my dear friend. I love you. This is for you.


End file.
